*ailathehealer

I sit here, in abit of my angst. Just after midnight, i twiddle my tablet pen while looking at the rough Oekaki i've just scribbled into Paint, while photoshop sits open, unused with line art remaining in need of cleanup.

need to express. gotta try and get this out. This? i can't even speak out loud to anyone this collaboration of emotion. So i write to the evermore deaf world.

forgive my angst, truly, but after weeks upon weeks of trying to deal with my thoughts i find myself triggered towards expression by a unexpected source.

like, how much longer can i deal with this? i'm not even dealing with it. i'm putting up with it all.

I can't talk to anyone, or even rather, the minute select few i feel i could even expose this to; i have yet had a chance to express this to them, not to mention i never see them to give the chance to myself. not to mention, those i'd want to express... they are the one's to fear most.

i told myself i wouldn't rant aimlessly about this here. not DA. not Facebook. far away from prying eyes.


i can't figure out if i'm brave, or a coward. i'm too scared to acknowledge, to reveal. Too afraid to run away. to abandon.
too afraid of rejection i'm convinced is imminent.

most likly though, i just don't know when to get when the getting's good.

what can i say? stupidity comes natural to me, even without the hair colour.


i know exactly how it could get worse though. which, is where the cowardice comes in...


yyyeeep.....i'm fucked. i'm screwed. i'm dead. or as good as.
i'm alone. more truly then ever.
and i have no solution.

and i'm alone...

damnit.

The Quest - Bryn Christopher

’m leaving tonight
Going somewhere deep inside my mind
I close my eyes slowly
Flowin’ away slowly
But I know I’ll be alright
It’s coming stronger to me
And I know someone is out there
Lead the way
Lead the way
Show me the answers I need to know

What I’m gonna live for
What I’m gonna die for
Who you gonna fight for
I can’t answer that

All my life/love it is
It is all my love
All my life/love it is
I know it is a life to live lately
From above I hear
I hear the sound of them sinkin’
I feel numb, I’m alive
I know I’m getting closer

What I’m gonna live for
What I’m gonna die for
Who you gonna fight for
I can’t answer that

My life has had it’s share of troubles
And now I found a place to go
I’ve said goodbye to all my troubles
’cause now I’ve find my place to go

What I’m gonna live for
What I’m gonna die for
Who you gonna fight for
I can’t answer that